I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
