his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
