I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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