Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
