Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
