why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
