And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
