So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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