hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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