hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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