I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
