it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
