They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
