My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
