just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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