We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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