Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
