Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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