Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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