My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
