if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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