were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
