maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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