I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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