there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
