So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
