3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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