Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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