please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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