Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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