Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
