i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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