i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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