I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
