Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
