How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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