smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My nipple is on Facebook.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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