guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
