I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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