The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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