What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
