you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Green mimosas i think yes
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
