My room smells like vodka and shame
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
