dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
