Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
