Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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