I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
