you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
