My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i was born a porn star she said
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
