Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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