I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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