Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
