The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
