Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
