i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
