I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize