im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
