Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
