Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
