he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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