Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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